Lost

I heard a message in my dream that told me, it’s not about talent, it’s about dedication and passion and hard work.

I just got back from my Field work today. I’m competent. I truly am. And I’ve been studying to work this profession for 2 years at the University now.

But lately, I’ve been doing the same thing: starting the semester off right, and then falling off because the passion is gone. Something new has been ringing in me. This is not what I want to do. Maybe I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. OMG I’m falling off my rckers right now.

I’m changing. Maybe I’m going crazy. I’ve been moody, unstable, and I’ve been less than comfortable in this world. In my world. I want to change that.

To be real, I’m not excited because the government is cutting on education, which is making it harder on Teachers to teach; classes are getting bigger and harder to sustain and I fear that I will become frustrated with it all. On top of that they’re underpaid and disrespected–no credit given. It’s a no-win situation. Teachers work so hard. Teachers are so tired. It makes me think, why am I even here, spending close to 2 thousand dollars a per semester learning from intelligent fools speak all day long? Fuck this shit. 

Everyday I just end up staying home, watching stupid inspirational videos and stuffing my face with cheese and nachos. I feel like I’m hiding from myself by not getting quiet and praying and meditating more. I’m not listening to myself. Because if I was, I’d no longer be on this path. However, try as I might, I am awakening to who I am and what I truly want in my life and I am so screwed right now. What do I do?

To be honest I envisioned myself teaching but it seemed like I never really had plans to stop there. I was thinking of starting a movement within the education system to liberate teachers from the pressure of the letter grade and focus on actual learning.

My actual passions would be playing guitar and creative writing. I could go to school for that. I bet I would be sooo alive every single day. But Where is that going to get me? I know that the first person to say something is going to be my mom. ugh. I can already feel the years and of mom trying to change me and to “persuade” me to stay on the safe lane on the highway of life.

But why does a car have a steering wheel if we aren’t supposed to turn around? I dunno…it looks good on the dashboard?? Who does that?!

Drivers who are too afraid to make a left won’t get anywhere.

Why shouldn’t I?

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you.

Ashe and Peace.

Peace Lillian

The true friend

Long ago, I grew up in an environment that did not embrace who I truly was. I was scorned, rejected, and made fun of.

The friends I had turned out not to be true friends. And, I made unintentional mistakes that hurt people, that I wish I could apologise for.

I used to think that no one liked me. I know what it’s like to be really lonely.

A few days ago, I was reading and meditating on a passage from the bible about Yah’s love.

1 John 4:16

16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

One of the errors I make is that I live and socialize as though I am rejected. I have felt rejected and marginalized in the past, so now I reject myself before anybody gets a chance to by isolating myself, rejecting them before they reject me. I truly do belong where I choose to and it doesn’t matter what people think, say or do to me. I’m going to be my own best friend.

For the new year I made a decision that I wanted to learn to love others, take another step in loving God, and in loving who I was created to be, as well as embracing my gifts.

I put my hair in locks this year. I began to realise that I had been vain with my looks and the beauty of my thick, luscious natural hair, and how it requires so much time and so much maintenance and care; I don’t have time for that anymore. My identity was entirely wrapped up in the coils of my hair. I then began the process of liberating myself from defining myself by my hair and by the way I look. It’s a hard thing to do as a woman in a society that grades the value of a woman based on her looks, but I took the leap anyway.

Everyday requires you to leap once more. You don’t know when you’re landing, or if you will land at all.

The way I define my beauty is entirely different. I don’t see myself as “beautiful” or even “ugly”. I don’t look in the mirror as much and don’t need to. I’m just focusing on cultivating beauty from within. As within, so without.

I look the way I choose to. This is pleasing to my God. Some people may not like my locks but I guess what? My hair+my rules= don’t care. Some people exercise great nerve in telling people how to live their lives. Isn’t it that whatever is esteemed in the eyes of man is despised by God? I’m not doing anything wrong. Let me express myself. I chose to be free so let me be. If that’s what you want, liberate yourself. But don’t you dare try to squeeze me into a box of what your mind can conceive.

These verses made me realise that where love is, God is. I can be one with God in Love, true love for the people. No more hatred, no more anger, and much forgiveness. But also in truly loving and embracing myself-balance is key. If there is love within, God will prosper in me as a vessel. If my cup is overflowing I’ll be sure to give.

No one is perfect. I don’t read scripture every day. I pray when the feeling strikes.I try to follow the Law, and also do right by others. God would want me to Love my enemies. All we can ever do in the midst of this spiritual battle is pray for them. An act of love. Entrust them to God. Everything just works itself out. 

I don’t want anything. I don’t need anything. I am just thankful for everything I have. Even though I have nothing. But I have love; so I do have everything. I found the true friend from within-I found God.

Loc-Loc, who’s hair?

Black hair is not dirty or untidy simply because it is kinky, curly and grows from a black person’s scalp. Dirty hair is dirty hair, uncombed, untidy hair is just that as well, and a spade is a spade – we are under no illusions. But it is time that we shed our former colonizer’s mindset that our hair is bad or somehow wrong.

Black hair is not untidy just because it has not been pressed, processed or wrangled into colonially-approved modest buns or lifeless, straight shoulder-length sheets. There may be standards for hair grooming, and those might just exclude some beautiful styles that are popular but these rules must not be cover-ups for institutionalised racism.

http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/teenage/No-easy-way-forward-on-hair-regulations

Loc-loc!

Who’s hair?

Mine. I.E.: Not yours to police and tell me what not to wear.

OOOooo burn.

 

Is there such a thing as being “too black”?

I’ve been running into articles about the controversies surrounding black hair and a black person’s choices to keep their hair natural being severely limited. This is something I’m really passionate about so I’m going to rant about this.

This article which I just quoted was written after an a young black boy (only 3, and fairly recently!) was turned away from school because of his hair in its natural state. The school did receive quite a bit of heat because this is discrimination…who would have thought…in a “black” country. I always believed that as a black person I’d have more freedom being my black self in a black-majority country, but I guess the colonialist ideals are there too. What a shame.

I’m a black Canadian in a “white” Canadian society. Well…it’s very diverse where I live and I’m starting to see more representation thank God . But I do believe we still have a long way to go when it comes to resolving racism in our minds. Racism is ideological. It’s a spiritual disease. It speaks of an irrational hatred, bias or just lack of love or regard for one another.

Now as a person who is black, who is living in a “white” society, I would expect to find a lot more racism and discrimination coming from non-blacks , not within a black society. My Jamaican step-father told me once that, when he went to primary school in Jamaica way, way back, they would run his hair through everyday with a small, thin-toothed comb. If it didn’t go through you’d face serious consequences. Knowing Afro hair, the thin-toothed comb didn’t go through as though it was a straight Euro-hair (surprise, surprise -_-) and he was punished corporally. That just goes to show that ideas and ideologies are hard to get rid of…even among black people. They are reinforced in society… in the media from the very beginning…in conversation that is implied but not said. Children are smart; they learn about differences from a very young age. “Race” is a social construct. We shouldn’t have to be punished for not being white. That’s just ludicrous. God made us all different for a reason; not to punish one for not being another. This is where colourism comes into play in the black community (also in other ethnic communities…but I can only speak about what I know of my own people…ho hum) that’s for another post. Or not.

As a part of my spiritual journey, I’ve been contemplating the decision to turn my natural hair into locs. But I’ve been somewhat hesitant because I fear the discrimination I will face in the job market not only as a person who is black, but also who is a dreadlocked person.  

I know it’s a trend right now, but that’s not why I’m doing it. I’m doing it for spiritual reasons, but I’m afraid. There have been many other incidents just like the one I mentioned above (see the link), in which people are getting hired and then months later fired because their hair was deemed unacceptable, according to white standards.

Tangent: Standards for what? White standards are for white people. They don’t apply to me. I refuse to follow or go by them. I don’t need a standard. I’m going to be who am. Not who you want me to be.

Anyway, I don’t find that reasonable. If it was unacceptable, then why go through the whole hiring process and then fire them months into the job? I don’t find that fair and, frankly, it doesn’t make any sense.

Folks, this is just one of the ways society tries to limit your freedom of expression no matter who you are, but especially if you are black in a white world. Keyword: Freedom. I don’t know if this is deliberate but things have to change because WE are changing.

I won’t be who you want me to be. I won’t kiss ass and be a sell out to my people; I think I’d rather be me. I can take the risk. I can listen to the voice of Spirit, of God. I can listen to my own spiritual beliefs. I can say to myself what I say to people who complain to me about the very same thing:

Whatever I claim in the Spirit I can claim in the physical. I can say that my hair protects me from places where I shouldn’t be. I can say that whatever is meant for me, Spirit will not hold back. The truth is, no matter what we will always make it. There is always an exception. Don’t give up. Have faith.

When I say that to myself I do feel better. Who cares what people say, anyway?!

Hope this brings you peace or insight.

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you

~Peace Lillian

Pray about it.

I am nothing. I am nobody. I don’t need words to describe me. How do I find my bliss?

I while back I’ve been stuck in my search for my true path. I have made the mistake of listening to every single person, when in fact people seemed to be guessing while I’m leaning this way and that way, listening to too many doctrines of what is what.

It’s maddening.

I don’t know what happened, but recently I have been experiencing a breakthrough in my mind. My ego is being put to rest, my heart is opening, my mind at peace and my body under my control.

It’s something I should have been doing but have forgotten to do.

I lit a candle, burned some incense in preparation for my mind, heart and spirit.

I covered my head and humbled my spirit. I prayed a heartfelt prayer to the Most High and Creator. I prayed about knowing the truth. I prayed about the oppression of all people, including myself. I prayed about my personal issues as well. When I was done I spent a moment waiting in meditative silence and contemplation. I felt his words in my mind. A still small voice.

The voice of Spirit come to me and comforted me:

Everything will be okay. I will let you know EVERYTHING in due time, but for now, Trust me. Inform yourself. Read everything (books, articles, keep self informed. receive the information coming at you and discern with prayer).

Just trust me, Katie. (he really emphasized this)

Everything will be alright.

Everything in its due season will unfold. You will watch it.

As the rain falls, so will you know. [When] the sun shines (here he prompts my memory of a saying I always use) Everything in darkness comes to light.

Thank you for your humility. You have done well and make me proud, my child. No one who trusts in God will ever be disappointed.

In that message I realized that The most high communicates with us within the constraints of what we can understand. Because of the spiritual principles that remain yet unknown to man (revealed to us in time when we are ready), not everything can be explained and communicated to us, because of our limited perception of the world beyond our own.

Also I am going to say that for a long time I had been holding onto an inferiority complex because of my dark skin, and I was corrected by the Spirit:

Stop thinking that because you are black that you are inferior; you are a child of Israel. Whether the seed or the branch (grafted in) [Those who have eyes to see refer to Romans 11] you are apart of it. EVERYTHING God made about our form is GOOD.

******

And from that I went from inner turmoil to complete inner peace. I felt It’s presence or peace in my heart that I haven’t felt in so so long.

What I learned in this prayer session after reading about Elijah the Prophet was that The Most High is someone who I can trust. He provides for you in the spirit, which feeds you in the physical world as well in whatever you are needing or asking for. (I swear Yeshua mentioned something like that before in one of the 4 Gospels) If you trust and ask with a pure heart and be nothing but truthful, sincere, and humble, the Most high will hear you and reach his hand out to you.

A relationship is not a one-way street. Do your part. Let go of your sins of the past; everything that is hurting you, grudges and regrets. Let The most High take the burden. The secret of Forgiveness is when we forgive (in my spiritual experience) The most high goes before you in that time and space where you are reliving that horrible experience and stands between you and it, so that it is not really happening to you anymore and you can move on. That person who looks down on you, is now looking down on the Most high. The Most High I realize can work on many levels of our existence– spiritually, Of course, which trickles down into the physical and he works in our minds and hearts. Who do you think is the author of psychology? A more complete psychology with the right approach.

You do the research, and pray about it.

If you don’t believe me, Pray about it. I don’t know everything.

Scared? Pray about it.

I hope that this brings peace to whomever this unfolds to.

May the sun kiss you, after the rain hits you.

Ashe~,

Peace Lillian

Uncertainty in love

God, what am I doing? 

I miss him, but I am pushing him away. I love but I don’t want him. Even though he’s perfect. Even though he is good for me.

What do I do?

I’m not ready to put those pieces back together. Not now. Not right now.

What if I can’t love him like I should? What if there’s no more room in my heart for there to be broken pieces?

On my own, I feel complete. I feel great. I feel perfect. Of course I wonder if a relationship is what I truly want.

Today my friend Cati and I spoke about relationships and what it meant to be a parent. She has been married for years, but had chosen not to have children. Recently, she had discovered that she could no longer conceive due to some condition in her womb. She told me that having a baby changes the relationship. Sometimes for better or for worse. She gave me a scenario about a friend who just went through a divorce. The child was having difficulty adjusting to the change of not having her daddy around. It was hard for the mother, too, for she still loved this man very much; sometimes relationships don’t work out, but it’s hard when you have to see them so often for the child’s sake. She cannot forget him if he is always before her.

Babies change relationships. You roll the dice and see what you get. Am I willing to risk my body, risk investing 9 months into someone and their offspring only to find out that nothing has come out of it? No. I don’t think so.

I don’t know why, but I seem to see myself as a single mother. Maybe because my mother raised me as one. I could get married, though. But I’m very independent. Oh, What’s the point of love if it doesn’t matter? If it only lasts so long?

Why should I waste my time? Why do I feel the pain when I think of hurting him? I know that no man is perfect. Why do I keep asking him to wait? Why won’t he leave me? I’ve done him wrong before. And I was sorry. So sorry.

I just can’t understand the reasoning of my heart.

I had a dream about a man. It was a sensual dream. I walked into the house and he was there. I lay down. He lay down with me. Our legs intertwined, caressing and whispering sweet words of forever. No more. No less. 

I can’t lie, I miss the intimacy of loving a man, of holding his brokenness with delicacy– with which only a woman could be trusted– touching the wounds only a woman can heal.

But what about my wounds? Why should I look after another when I am still here, waiting for love of self? I cannot give if I do not have.

Self-love 2: Being courageous

Spirit, help us to know our essence. Help us heal ourselves, then we can heal each other. 

Since I have become celibate, I feel a sense of freedom. I am free to move my body and have it to myself. On this night of the waning moon, I took a sacred sea salt bath. Waning moon is when the moon’s likeness is reducing; energies of banishing forces and certain energies from your life. I am cleansing from my past. Everything of the past must go. This choice to be celibate is mine and mine alone. No one shall do it for me.

I went to the park across the street from my home. Turns out it’s Friday, movie night, and the neighborhood is having some movie camp out fest. Meaning to say that there is a giant screen in the park and everyone decided to leave the comforts of their homes. I’m like, whooo that’s a lot of people. I was tempted to get a little nervous. I didn’t. I wasn’t nervous. I’ve been trying to heal my mind, body and soul and I realise that I need to let go a lot more and that I need to have a little patience and love for myself.

I am proud of myself, that I am working past the social anxiety instead of holding myself captive in my room.

I had brought my incense sticks, My phone, for time reference. Okay, I smoked just a tiny bit. But that’s nothing. I began my meditation all vibed up and spiritually pumped. after a few minutes I heard moving voices, or the sound of their voices shifting position in relation to me. Their voices were directed at me and I turned my head and it seems like I was too quick in that I caught all 3 women as they turned their heads in unison away from me. lol. like oh shit she heard us. I giggled on the inside. Why am I the weird one meditating on the grass outside, when there are people on the other side of the park watching “tell-a-lie-vision”? Who’s really the crazy one here? I don’t need to watch no freaking movies. I’ve got my own life. I can take care of myself.

It’s all a lie, anyway. What is so interesting? Hollywood is so overdone and I have already moved onto Korean dramas. They’re the shit. Nigerian(Nollywood), Indian (Bollywood), Japanese movies aren’t too bad either. Their plots are less typical. That’s probably because it’s a window into a culture I do not know. They’re still the shit. Maybe I’m just over and done with North American culture as a whole.

I’m Canadian. Here we are engrossed in media and what we think we’re supposed to think seems to be imposed on the people. Canada and America are one and the same. Here we deny it because deep down, Canadians think they’re better and smarter than America even though America thinks the same thing about Canada. But the culture is all the same. Everyone shuns what is not like them. I’m going to stop saying “we”. I am not like these people around me.Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong. I am super sensitive to all of this negativity in the news and the newspaper about Trump running for President and about race and stuff. Their news is our too apparently. I quit the news and newspapers. I quit the radio. All media that I though wasn’t serving me, gone. I use facebook solely for the purpose of “quick email”/”msn”. I use the internet for youtube to watch inspirational videos and I look up articles every now and again. Instagram, but not too much. I just like beautiful visuals. and that’s about it.

Another tangent over here: The radio station plays really bad music over and over and over and over. Virgin Radio MTL. eh? Virgin? Never been touched, have you? lol They keep playing music like “work from home” by fifth harmony. And if you don’t know them, I suggest you check it out. I’m not doing propaganda for useless banter, my message is that their message is inappropriate. If you haven’t noticed while watching Youtube videos, every now and then you an ad about a man who started from the bottom, and now he’s a millionaire. That’s a thing. He says he works from home. Doing what? I once knew people who sold weed and stuff for a living. They work from home. I had met and known girls who sold themselves for a living at home might I add. My point is what are they saying to these young girls? My young sisters are walking around looking like they’re too hot for everything but the next man. It’s teaching them to be doormats, to be nothing but objects of pleasure for men. And young are learning to stay macho chauvinist pigs; taking, never asking, and ever so entitled and egocentric. Not all of you. I am not blaming YOU, it is not your fault you grew up the way you did. But now that you’re aware, you (yes you!) can make a change. 

Fifth harmony is like the present-day spice girls. I felt that the spice girls had more spice and sweetness. The latter is diabetes. Too much sexy. Don’t they know my young sisters and brothers are watching?  Mothers, teach your daughters and sons, Fathers support the mothers and fight for change.

But anyway, I realize that I don’t need to belong. I don’t want to belong to a society that is sleeping. they don’t want truth. They are allergic to wisdom. None of this make any sense. Anyway, I’m changing.

I game myself a tight hug because at lest I made it. Two random girls I didn’t know walked past me calling me a slut for no apparent reason, but I made it.

I can’t believe you would make those kind of assumptions just by looking at me. Open your eyes, you people are cowards. You don’t want to see what is there. Or let go of what is not.

I release and let go of every pain and pang of anger and fear. I now live in peace with myself (at least for now). I am learning to be patient with myself, especially when I understand how hard it is and how far I have come. I say I am proud of myself for taking a step further than last time.

 

Self love: relearning to write

I’ve declared myself celibate for a few days now. I left my boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like I’m scared that I am making a mistake. My goal is really to date myself, get to know myself and love myself. So here I am, on this journey. Now I am outside of town in the middle of nowhere. The deep, dark forest that seemed so far away is now before me.

I have forsaken everything I have ever known, owned and touched. Everyone I thought I knew is gone. I left them all to venture out and fulfill the lust of my adventurous heart. I am alone but not lonely. I am scared. But most of all, I am willing to learn.

The forest is a symbol that I use to represent my shadow self. I am leaving the town of everything I knew and now entering into unknown territory; I am discovering myself.

I learned one thing about myself just recently: the reason I don’t write as much as I could, or as much as I should is because I have been afraid that others would judge my writing to be bad. And in turn, I would deem myself a bad writer. As a teen I wrote a lot and I prided myself on the poetry and short stories that I had written and that have gotten a lot of votes from my teachers and my mom. But now I feel like I’ve lost my juice. I feel like life is trying to squeeze the juice out of me like a lemon. I put off writing a lot even though I enjoy writing. In the past my writing was the one thing I identified myself with and that kept me afloat in the deep waters of high school, where I didn’t belong anywhere. So criticism of my expression hurt me deeply. Maybe this is where this has come from. I’ve had trouble ever since.

Now at this new job, I am experiencing some difficulties. You see, I’m a diversity trainer. My job is to do diversity workshops based on historical figures of African-Canadian history. It’s a new program. We have to come up with new activities and ways of teaching the material in a fun way, and I have to put together a report for someone who may begin to animate an after-school program, based off of what is called the ABCs of Canadian black history. I’ve taught teens, elementary aged kids and preschoolers and it’s been a challenge for me especially since I’m meek in nature and I am especially prone to anxiety when faced with social situations. Now what’s worse, I am teaching. I’m In front of everybody. I’m telling them what to do. I know this is what I’m in University for. I’m in a specialised program for Early childhood and elementary education and so far so good, but being around a whole lot of people tends to make me plain nervous. I think it’s a good thing that the universe/Spirit/God(whatever you want to call it) has pushed me in this direction because it’s the estage before my estage that I’ve been avoiding for a few semesters.

Now when It came time to write my report this week, my boss looked over my work and she said that the syntactical order of the words in my sentences were formed as if I was speaking french. Now, I know we are in a French province, and it is possible that I’ve picked up some french ways of speaking and doing things, even the spelling of certain English words, (vice versa for the francophone residents here) but I wasn’t even trying to do that. I just wasn’t sure of the tone that the report should take. Should I write in first person? First person plural? I just wasn’t sure. Of course I knew she wasn’t trying to insult me, but in retrospect I can’t help but be a little hurt by it. She wrote history books. It’s a rough copy, for crying out loud. She’s so educated with her Phd and I’ve only just finished my freshman year at University, and about to go into my sophomore year. I’m not there yet. Yes, I’m a writer. But what I don’t understand is why do I have no problems writing down streams of paragraphs on blogger or on wordpress, but when it comes to work or school essays when I really need it, why can’t I write? Am I too right-brained to function?

How can I do this? it’s not fair. I know people who can vomit an essay. I used to be able to do that but now I’m…what happened to me? I feel like I’ve lost my linguistic touch. My coworker can vomit ideas while I end up feeling like I’ve got nothing up my sleeve and I’m afraid of looking like I don’t know shit. Right now I should be working, not blogging.

I’m not a bad writer. A good write puts in work. first drafts always suck. It’s about the work I put in.

http://goinswriter.com/the-difference-between-good-writers-and-bad-writers/ :

A good writer is humble. Regardless of skill, she is committed to seeing the writing process through to completion. No matter how grueling or hard, she will write. And she will get better.

 

 

I am so thankful and grateful for you, traveler, who stumbled onto my page. 😉 please tune in. I’ll be back on this site for more on my new self-love series in which I will record and share what I have learned about myself.