Lost

I heard a message in my dream that told me, it’s not about talent, it’s about dedication and passion and hard work.

I just got back from my Field work today. I’m competent. I truly am. And I’ve been studying to work this profession for 2 years at the University now.

But lately, I’ve been doing the same thing: starting the semester off right, and then falling off because the passion is gone. Something new has been ringing in me. This is not what I want to do. Maybe I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. OMG I’m falling off my rckers right now.

I’m changing. Maybe I’m going crazy. I’ve been moody, unstable, and I’ve been less than comfortable in this world. In my world. I want to change that.

To be real, I’m not excited because the government is cutting on education, which is making it harder on Teachers to teach; classes are getting bigger and harder to sustain and I fear that I will become frustrated with it all. On top of that they’re underpaid and disrespected–no credit given. It’s a no-win situation. Teachers work so hard. Teachers are so tired. It makes me think, why am I even here, spending close to 2 thousand dollars a per semester learning from intelligent fools speak all day long? Fuck this shit. 

Everyday I just end up staying home, watching stupid inspirational videos and stuffing my face with cheese and nachos. I feel like I’m hiding from myself by not getting quiet and praying and meditating more. I’m not listening to myself. Because if I was, I’d no longer be on this path. However, try as I might, I am awakening to who I am and what I truly want in my life and I am so screwed right now. What do I do?

To be honest I envisioned myself teaching but it seemed like I never really had plans to stop there. I was thinking of starting a movement within the education system to liberate teachers from the pressure of the letter grade and focus on actual learning.

My actual passions would be playing guitar and creative writing. I could go to school for that. I bet I would be sooo alive every single day. But Where is that going to get me? I know that the first person to say something is going to be my mom. ugh. I can already feel the years and of mom trying to change me and to “persuade” me to stay on the safe lane on the highway of life.

But why does a car have a steering wheel if we aren’t supposed to turn around? I dunno…it looks good on the dashboard?? Who does that?!

Drivers who are too afraid to make a left won’t get anywhere.

Why shouldn’t I?

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you.

Ashe and Peace.

Peace Lillian

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Loc-Loc, who’s hair?

Black hair is not dirty or untidy simply because it is kinky, curly and grows from a black person’s scalp. Dirty hair is dirty hair, uncombed, untidy hair is just that as well, and a spade is a spade – we are under no illusions. But it is time that we shed our former colonizer’s mindset that our hair is bad or somehow wrong.

Black hair is not untidy just because it has not been pressed, processed or wrangled into colonially-approved modest buns or lifeless, straight shoulder-length sheets. There may be standards for hair grooming, and those might just exclude some beautiful styles that are popular but these rules must not be cover-ups for institutionalised racism.

http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/teenage/No-easy-way-forward-on-hair-regulations

Loc-loc!

Who’s hair?

Mine. I.E.: Not yours to police and tell me what not to wear.

OOOooo burn.

 

Is there such a thing as being “too black”?

I’ve been running into articles about the controversies surrounding black hair and a black person’s choices to keep their hair natural being severely limited. This is something I’m really passionate about so I’m going to rant about this.

This article which I just quoted was written after an a young black boy (only 3, and fairly recently!) was turned away from school because of his hair in its natural state. The school did receive quite a bit of heat because this is discrimination…who would have thought…in a “black” country. I always believed that as a black person I’d have more freedom being my black self in a black-majority country, but I guess the colonialist ideals are there too. What a shame.

I’m a black Canadian in a “white” Canadian society. Well…it’s very diverse where I live and I’m starting to see more representation thank God . But I do believe we still have a long way to go when it comes to resolving racism in our minds. Racism is ideological. It’s a spiritual disease. It speaks of an irrational hatred, bias or just lack of love or regard for one another.

Now as a person who is black, who is living in a “white” society, I would expect to find a lot more racism and discrimination coming from non-blacks , not within a black society. My Jamaican step-father told me once that, when he went to primary school in Jamaica way, way back, they would run his hair through everyday with a small, thin-toothed comb. If it didn’t go through you’d face serious consequences. Knowing Afro hair, the thin-toothed comb didn’t go through as though it was a straight Euro-hair (surprise, surprise -_-) and he was punished corporally. That just goes to show that ideas and ideologies are hard to get rid of…even among black people. They are reinforced in society… in the media from the very beginning…in conversation that is implied but not said. Children are smart; they learn about differences from a very young age. “Race” is a social construct. We shouldn’t have to be punished for not being white. That’s just ludicrous. God made us all different for a reason; not to punish one for not being another. This is where colourism comes into play in the black community (also in other ethnic communities…but I can only speak about what I know of my own people…ho hum) that’s for another post. Or not.

As a part of my spiritual journey, I’ve been contemplating the decision to turn my natural hair into locs. But I’ve been somewhat hesitant because I fear the discrimination I will face in the job market not only as a person who is black, but also who is a dreadlocked person.  

I know it’s a trend right now, but that’s not why I’m doing it. I’m doing it for spiritual reasons, but I’m afraid. There have been many other incidents just like the one I mentioned above (see the link), in which people are getting hired and then months later fired because their hair was deemed unacceptable, according to white standards.

Tangent: Standards for what? White standards are for white people. They don’t apply to me. I refuse to follow or go by them. I don’t need a standard. I’m going to be who am. Not who you want me to be.

Anyway, I don’t find that reasonable. If it was unacceptable, then why go through the whole hiring process and then fire them months into the job? I don’t find that fair and, frankly, it doesn’t make any sense.

Folks, this is just one of the ways society tries to limit your freedom of expression no matter who you are, but especially if you are black in a white world. Keyword: Freedom. I don’t know if this is deliberate but things have to change because WE are changing.

I won’t be who you want me to be. I won’t kiss ass and be a sell out to my people; I think I’d rather be me. I can take the risk. I can listen to the voice of Spirit, of God. I can listen to my own spiritual beliefs. I can say to myself what I say to people who complain to me about the very same thing:

Whatever I claim in the Spirit I can claim in the physical. I can say that my hair protects me from places where I shouldn’t be. I can say that whatever is meant for me, Spirit will not hold back. The truth is, no matter what we will always make it. There is always an exception. Don’t give up. Have faith.

When I say that to myself I do feel better. Who cares what people say, anyway?!

Hope this brings you peace or insight.

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you

~Peace Lillian

Self-love 2: Being courageous

Spirit, help us to know our essence. Help us heal ourselves, then we can heal each other. 

Since I have become celibate, I feel a sense of freedom. I am free to move my body and have it to myself. On this night of the waning moon, I took a sacred sea salt bath. Waning moon is when the moon’s likeness is reducing; energies of banishing forces and certain energies from your life. I am cleansing from my past. Everything of the past must go. This choice to be celibate is mine and mine alone. No one shall do it for me.

I went to the park across the street from my home. Turns out it’s Friday, movie night, and the neighborhood is having some movie camp out fest. Meaning to say that there is a giant screen in the park and everyone decided to leave the comforts of their homes. I’m like, whooo that’s a lot of people. I was tempted to get a little nervous. I didn’t. I wasn’t nervous. I’ve been trying to heal my mind, body and soul and I realise that I need to let go a lot more and that I need to have a little patience and love for myself.

I am proud of myself, that I am working past the social anxiety instead of holding myself captive in my room.

I had brought my incense sticks, My phone, for time reference. Okay, I smoked just a tiny bit. But that’s nothing. I began my meditation all vibed up and spiritually pumped. after a few minutes I heard moving voices, or the sound of their voices shifting position in relation to me. Their voices were directed at me and I turned my head and it seems like I was too quick in that I caught all 3 women as they turned their heads in unison away from me. lol. like oh shit she heard us. I giggled on the inside. Why am I the weird one meditating on the grass outside, when there are people on the other side of the park watching “tell-a-lie-vision”? Who’s really the crazy one here? I don’t need to watch no freaking movies. I’ve got my own life. I can take care of myself.

It’s all a lie, anyway. What is so interesting? Hollywood is so overdone and I have already moved onto Korean dramas. They’re the shit. Nigerian(Nollywood), Indian (Bollywood), Japanese movies aren’t too bad either. Their plots are less typical. That’s probably because it’s a window into a culture I do not know. They’re still the shit. Maybe I’m just over and done with North American culture as a whole.

I’m Canadian. Here we are engrossed in media and what we think we’re supposed to think seems to be imposed on the people. Canada and America are one and the same. Here we deny it because deep down, Canadians think they’re better and smarter than America even though America thinks the same thing about Canada. But the culture is all the same. Everyone shuns what is not like them. I’m going to stop saying “we”. I am not like these people around me.Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong. I am super sensitive to all of this negativity in the news and the newspaper about Trump running for President and about race and stuff. Their news is our too apparently. I quit the news and newspapers. I quit the radio. All media that I though wasn’t serving me, gone. I use facebook solely for the purpose of “quick email”/”msn”. I use the internet for youtube to watch inspirational videos and I look up articles every now and again. Instagram, but not too much. I just like beautiful visuals. and that’s about it.

Another tangent over here: The radio station plays really bad music over and over and over and over. Virgin Radio MTL. eh? Virgin? Never been touched, have you? lol They keep playing music like “work from home” by fifth harmony. And if you don’t know them, I suggest you check it out. I’m not doing propaganda for useless banter, my message is that their message is inappropriate. If you haven’t noticed while watching Youtube videos, every now and then you an ad about a man who started from the bottom, and now he’s a millionaire. That’s a thing. He says he works from home. Doing what? I once knew people who sold weed and stuff for a living. They work from home. I had met and known girls who sold themselves for a living at home might I add. My point is what are they saying to these young girls? My young sisters are walking around looking like they’re too hot for everything but the next man. It’s teaching them to be doormats, to be nothing but objects of pleasure for men. And young are learning to stay macho chauvinist pigs; taking, never asking, and ever so entitled and egocentric. Not all of you. I am not blaming YOU, it is not your fault you grew up the way you did. But now that you’re aware, you (yes you!) can make a change. 

Fifth harmony is like the present-day spice girls. I felt that the spice girls had more spice and sweetness. The latter is diabetes. Too much sexy. Don’t they know my young sisters and brothers are watching?  Mothers, teach your daughters and sons, Fathers support the mothers and fight for change.

But anyway, I realize that I don’t need to belong. I don’t want to belong to a society that is sleeping. they don’t want truth. They are allergic to wisdom. None of this make any sense. Anyway, I’m changing.

I game myself a tight hug because at lest I made it. Two random girls I didn’t know walked past me calling me a slut for no apparent reason, but I made it.

I can’t believe you would make those kind of assumptions just by looking at me. Open your eyes, you people are cowards. You don’t want to see what is there. Or let go of what is not.

I release and let go of every pain and pang of anger and fear. I now live in peace with myself (at least for now). I am learning to be patient with myself, especially when I understand how hard it is and how far I have come. I say I am proud of myself for taking a step further than last time.