Lost

I heard a message in my dream that told me, it’s not about talent, it’s about dedication and passion and hard work.

I just got back from my Field work today. I’m competent. I truly am. And I’ve been studying to work this profession for 2 years at the University now.

But lately, I’ve been doing the same thing: starting the semester off right, and then falling off because the passion is gone. Something new has been ringing in me. This is not what I want to do. Maybe I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. OMG I’m falling off my rckers right now.

I’m changing. Maybe I’m going crazy. I’ve been moody, unstable, and I’ve been less than comfortable in this world. In my world. I want to change that.

To be real, I’m not excited because the government is cutting on education, which is making it harder on Teachers to teach; classes are getting bigger and harder to sustain and I fear that I will become frustrated with it all. On top of that they’re underpaid and disrespected–no credit given. It’s a no-win situation. Teachers work so hard. Teachers are so tired. It makes me think, why am I even here, spending close to 2 thousand dollars a per semester learning from intelligent fools speak all day long? Fuck this shit. 

Everyday I just end up staying home, watching stupid inspirational videos and stuffing my face with cheese and nachos. I feel like I’m hiding from myself by not getting quiet and praying and meditating more. I’m not listening to myself. Because if I was, I’d no longer be on this path. However, try as I might, I am awakening to who I am and what I truly want in my life and I am so screwed right now. What do I do?

To be honest I envisioned myself teaching but it seemed like I never really had plans to stop there. I was thinking of starting a movement within the education system to liberate teachers from the pressure of the letter grade and focus on actual learning.

My actual passions would be playing guitar and creative writing. I could go to school for that. I bet I would be sooo alive every single day. But Where is that going to get me? I know that the first person to say something is going to be my mom. ugh. I can already feel the years and of mom trying to change me and to “persuade” me to stay on the safe lane on the highway of life.

But why does a car have a steering wheel if we aren’t supposed to turn around? I dunno…it looks good on the dashboard?? Who does that?!

Drivers who are too afraid to make a left won’t get anywhere.

Why shouldn’t I?

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you.

Ashe and Peace.

Peace Lillian

Uncertainty in love

God, what am I doing? 

I miss him, but I am pushing him away. I love but I don’t want him. Even though he’s perfect. Even though he is good for me.

What do I do?

I’m not ready to put those pieces back together. Not now. Not right now.

What if I can’t love him like I should? What if there’s no more room in my heart for there to be broken pieces?

On my own, I feel complete. I feel great. I feel perfect. Of course I wonder if a relationship is what I truly want.

Today my friend Cati and I spoke about relationships and what it meant to be a parent. She has been married for years, but had chosen not to have children. Recently, she had discovered that she could no longer conceive due to some condition in her womb. She told me that having a baby changes the relationship. Sometimes for better or for worse. She gave me a scenario about a friend who just went through a divorce. The child was having difficulty adjusting to the change of not having her daddy around. It was hard for the mother, too, for she still loved this man very much; sometimes relationships don’t work out, but it’s hard when you have to see them so often for the child’s sake. She cannot forget him if he is always before her.

Babies change relationships. You roll the dice and see what you get. Am I willing to risk my body, risk investing 9 months into someone and their offspring only to find out that nothing has come out of it? No. I don’t think so.

I don’t know why, but I seem to see myself as a single mother. Maybe because my mother raised me as one. I could get married, though. But I’m very independent. Oh, What’s the point of love if it doesn’t matter? If it only lasts so long?

Why should I waste my time? Why do I feel the pain when I think of hurting him? I know that no man is perfect. Why do I keep asking him to wait? Why won’t he leave me? I’ve done him wrong before. And I was sorry. So sorry.

I just can’t understand the reasoning of my heart.

I had a dream about a man. It was a sensual dream. I walked into the house and he was there. I lay down. He lay down with me. Our legs intertwined, caressing and whispering sweet words of forever. No more. No less. 

I can’t lie, I miss the intimacy of loving a man, of holding his brokenness with delicacy– with which only a woman could be trusted– touching the wounds only a woman can heal.

But what about my wounds? Why should I look after another when I am still here, waiting for love of self? I cannot give if I do not have.

Father

I wish that you called me.

I wish that I knew I mattered to you

Father.

The word is empty. I know not nor do I understand the word

“Father”.

Support of the first man, I needed, wanted, but never received

A Father.

And now I know that every drop in the ocean counts. Every second of every minute ticks, it counts;

And I am waiting. I am still waiting

Father.

I will smile when every piece of the puzzle comes together, and starts making sense to me

In my perception, the mind’s deception.

What is this, who are you, where are you now,

Father?

Your heart is an empty, shattered chasm, but you will let no one fill or fix it.

Why, Father?

Why are you hiding?

SHow yourself! Stop being a GODDAMN FUCKING COWARD!

Is this what you call yourself? A father?

You are a stranger. We are strangers to each other now.

You are missing out on a great opportunity. You’d be proud of me. you’d be

proud to be my

Father.

And I don’t know what to say to you now.

FOr at some point it felt true. I held onto my memories of us being silly together on the sidewalk, playing videogames, watching beasties together.

“There is more than meets the eye.” 

A quote that I know you really liked. I wonder what it meant to you. Maybe that everything you are seeing, everything you have gone through, the ones who hurt you hurt you for reasons beyond what your eyes can see, but not beyond what the heart can comprehend.

Please, do not forget me.

I know you have a little life in you yet

I know you have a lot of strength yet

I should be crying but I just can’t let it show.

…all the things we should have done but we never did…

Oh darling…make it go away…give me these moments back

give them back to me

— Kate Bush, This woman’s work —

It has been a while since we spoke. Really spoke without the barriers. I never knew what you wanted for me. All I knew is that you and mom had a hard time and therefore I was mom’s daughter, and no longer yours…

Oh well. It is what it is, right? I got here on this earth for a reason, for a purpose that I alone shall define.

And if we ever meet again…Then that is what the Universe intends to do.

So let it be.

Music: this woman’s work- Kate bush