Good enough (The irony of existence)

Friday early morning God touched my heart, while I was still on my bed and made me remember some verses spoken to me in psalm 139…Saying that He knew me in the womb while I was being made.

Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

Psalms 139:12‭-‬16 KJV

When I described my existence I’d believed that I was conceived in dishonour and brought in shame. I’m sure people all around did not support my mom’s pregnancy, being 16 yr old and still in High school. I probably was not wanted…my existence was, to me, a threat to her future in everyone’s eyes, a shame, a dishonour and reproach. Hence the spirit of rejection and fear assigned to me. I had grown up and walked as one who had been rejected and unloved. I had so much fear that I was nothing. I resented that I was even here because I thought that if my mom waited to have me, She would be better off financially, meaning we would not have struggled. I was angry at the world and I blamed her, for I did not ask to be here in this God-forsaken world. Little did I realise that it was the enemy sowing seeds of fear, anger, rejection and pain to destroy me from the beginning.

Here’s a revelation of the Holy Spirit: God chose me. Despite the negativity and lack of support around her, He told my mom to keep me (whether she was aware of Him speaking or not), and to name me. He said I thought it would be a good idea to have you in my kingdom. I wanted you.

If God wanted me all along then that means me being is okay. It is good that I am.

Jesus also had a very humble beginning. He was born in a manger…like where the animals lounge around and poop. Joseph did not understand. As far as he knew, Jesus was a bastard child– in the natural that is what one could see; yet in the spiritual it was no less than a miraculous virginal conception. He was told to marry her anyway. Clearly when things are happening in the spirit realm it is often mistaken for another thing. It often looks like the opposite thing. Which is why we must speak out those things that be as though they were(Romans 4:17).

In the Spirit realm the Angels were singing because the firstborn of all creation chose to come down from his most holy station in God’s care and walk with us in utmost humility and submission and obedience to the law and God’s spirit. He lived with us on earth and taught us what God our Father had taught him. He’d then become that acceptable sacrifice to die as Adam and rise in victory as Christ Emmanuel. He died for a nation who hated Him. But he prayed for them and loved them anyway.

[Notes: The irony of God works in mysterious ways in that the Son of the Most high had come down and live a lowly life. He was poor but not poor in spirit. He died as an felon/criminal but he was innocent. He was to the pharisees a heretic and an apostate of sorts but He knew the law and He understood the heartbeat of God and his will. They were one.] God is full of ironies; you’ll see that in the bible a lot. People call them contradictions…but we need God’s wisdom to understand (and He will share if we ask) the irony of His love though we never earned it, nor do we deserve it.

The irony of my existence is that because of God’s wise sacrifice, I am not a victim but a now victor. I am good enough. My calling is glorious and honourable. Though I have been small, God will use me to do great and many things. Faith as little as a mustard seed (tiny thing–the size of this–> o ) can allow you to reach greater heights, as it is our spiritual blood and currency.

The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.

The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.
Psalms 16:5‭-‬6 KJV

God is my portion. He is of my cup (always full, never lacking any thing). He maintains my lot and makes it secure, meaning He makes even what I have/ what I’ve done (even my mistakes) good enough.

What is the irony of your existence? What does this all mean to you?  Think about it. OR Leave a comment below, if you like.

 

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you,

Ashe,

Peace Lillian.

 

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P.S. If God puts it on your heart to make a donation I would really appreciate it as I’ve been struggling financially, still looking for a job but also walking by faith and trusting in God’s provision. You can do that here.

Thanks so much.

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Uncertainty in love

God, what am I doing? 

I miss him, but I am pushing him away. I love but I don’t want him. Even though he’s perfect. Even though he is good for me.

What do I do?

I’m not ready to put those pieces back together. Not now. Not right now.

What if I can’t love him like I should? What if there’s no more room in my heart for there to be broken pieces?

On my own, I feel complete. I feel great. I feel perfect. Of course I wonder if a relationship is what I truly want.

Today my friend Cati and I spoke about relationships and what it meant to be a parent. She has been married for years, but had chosen not to have children. Recently, she had discovered that she could no longer conceive due to some condition in her womb. She told me that having a baby changes the relationship. Sometimes for better or for worse. She gave me a scenario about a friend who just went through a divorce. The child was having difficulty adjusting to the change of not having her daddy around. It was hard for the mother, too, for she still loved this man very much; sometimes relationships don’t work out, but it’s hard when you have to see them so often for the child’s sake. She cannot forget him if he is always before her.

Babies change relationships. You roll the dice and see what you get. Am I willing to risk my body, risk investing 9 months into someone and their offspring only to find out that nothing has come out of it? No. I don’t think so.

I don’t know why, but I seem to see myself as a single mother. Maybe because my mother raised me as one. I could get married, though. But I’m very independent. Oh, What’s the point of love if it doesn’t matter? If it only lasts so long?

Why should I waste my time? Why do I feel the pain when I think of hurting him? I know that no man is perfect. Why do I keep asking him to wait? Why won’t he leave me? I’ve done him wrong before. And I was sorry. So sorry.

I just can’t understand the reasoning of my heart.

I had a dream about a man. It was a sensual dream. I walked into the house and he was there. I lay down. He lay down with me. Our legs intertwined, caressing and whispering sweet words of forever. No more. No less. 

I can’t lie, I miss the intimacy of loving a man, of holding his brokenness with delicacy– with which only a woman could be trusted– touching the wounds only a woman can heal.

But what about my wounds? Why should I look after another when I am still here, waiting for love of self? I cannot give if I do not have.

Father

I wish that you called me.

I wish that I knew I mattered to you

Father.

The word is empty. I know not nor do I understand the word

“Father”.

Support of the first man, I needed, wanted, but never received

A Father.

And now I know that every drop in the ocean counts. Every second of every minute ticks, it counts;

And I am waiting. I am still waiting

Father.

I will smile when every piece of the puzzle comes together, and starts making sense to me

In my perception, the mind’s deception.

What is this, who are you, where are you now,

Father?

Your heart is an empty, shattered chasm, but you will let no one fill or fix it.

Why, Father?

Why are you hiding?

SHow yourself! Stop being a GODDAMN FUCKING COWARD!

Is this what you call yourself? A father?

You are a stranger. We are strangers to each other now.

You are missing out on a great opportunity. You’d be proud of me. you’d be

proud to be my

Father.

And I don’t know what to say to you now.

FOr at some point it felt true. I held onto my memories of us being silly together on the sidewalk, playing videogames, watching beasties together.

“There is more than meets the eye.” 

A quote that I know you really liked. I wonder what it meant to you. Maybe that everything you are seeing, everything you have gone through, the ones who hurt you hurt you for reasons beyond what your eyes can see, but not beyond what the heart can comprehend.

Please, do not forget me.

I know you have a little life in you yet

I know you have a lot of strength yet

I should be crying but I just can’t let it show.

…all the things we should have done but we never did…

Oh darling…make it go away…give me these moments back

give them back to me

— Kate Bush, This woman’s work —

It has been a while since we spoke. Really spoke without the barriers. I never knew what you wanted for me. All I knew is that you and mom had a hard time and therefore I was mom’s daughter, and no longer yours…

Oh well. It is what it is, right? I got here on this earth for a reason, for a purpose that I alone shall define.

And if we ever meet again…Then that is what the Universe intends to do.

So let it be.

Music: this woman’s work- Kate bush