Lost

I heard a message in my dream that told me, it’s not about talent, it’s about dedication and passion and hard work.

I just got back from my Field work today. I’m competent. I truly am. And I’ve been studying to work this profession for 2 years at the University now.

But lately, I’ve been doing the same thing: starting the semester off right, and then falling off because the passion is gone. Something new has been ringing in me. This is not what I want to do. Maybe I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. OMG I’m falling off my rckers right now.

I’m changing. Maybe I’m going crazy. I’ve been moody, unstable, and I’ve been less than comfortable in this world. In my world. I want to change that.

To be real, I’m not excited because the government is cutting on education, which is making it harder on Teachers to teach; classes are getting bigger and harder to sustain and I fear that I will become frustrated with it all. On top of that they’re underpaid and disrespected–no credit given. It’s a no-win situation. Teachers work so hard. Teachers are so tired. It makes me think, why am I even here, spending close to 2 thousand dollars a per semester learning from intelligent fools speak all day long? Fuck this shit. 

Everyday I just end up staying home, watching stupid inspirational videos and stuffing my face with cheese and nachos. I feel like I’m hiding from myself by not getting quiet and praying and meditating more. I’m not listening to myself. Because if I was, I’d no longer be on this path. However, try as I might, I am awakening to who I am and what I truly want in my life and I am so screwed right now. What do I do?

To be honest I envisioned myself teaching but it seemed like I never really had plans to stop there. I was thinking of starting a movement within the education system to liberate teachers from the pressure of the letter grade and focus on actual learning.

My actual passions would be playing guitar and creative writing. I could go to school for that. I bet I would be sooo alive every single day. But Where is that going to get me? I know that the first person to say something is going to be my mom. ugh. I can already feel the years and of mom trying to change me and to “persuade” me to stay on the safe lane on the highway of life.

But why does a car have a steering wheel if we aren’t supposed to turn around? I dunno…it looks good on the dashboard?? Who does that?!

Drivers who are too afraid to make a left won’t get anywhere.

Why shouldn’t I?

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you.

Ashe and Peace.

Peace Lillian

The true friend

Long ago, I grew up in an environment that did not embrace who I truly was. I was scorned, rejected, and made fun of.

The friends I had turned out not to be true friends. And, I made unintentional mistakes that hurt people, that I wish I could apologise for.

I used to think that no one liked me. I know what it’s like to be really lonely.

A few days ago, I was reading and meditating on a passage from the bible about Yah’s love.

1 John 4:16

16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

One of the errors I make is that I live and socialize as though I am rejected. I have felt rejected and marginalized in the past, so now I reject myself before anybody gets a chance to by isolating myself, rejecting them before they reject me. I truly do belong where I choose to and it doesn’t matter what people think, say or do to me. I’m going to be my own best friend.

For the new year I made a decision that I wanted to learn to love others, take another step in loving God, and in loving who I was created to be, as well as embracing my gifts.

I put my hair in locks this year. I began to realise that I had been vain with my looks and the beauty of my thick, luscious natural hair, and how it requires so much time and so much maintenance and care; I don’t have time for that anymore. My identity was entirely wrapped up in the coils of my hair. I then began the process of liberating myself from defining myself by my hair and by the way I look. It’s a hard thing to do as a woman in a society that grades the value of a woman based on her looks, but I took the leap anyway.

Everyday requires you to leap once more. You don’t know when you’re landing, or if you will land at all.

The way I define my beauty is entirely different. I don’t see myself as “beautiful” or even “ugly”. I don’t look in the mirror as much and don’t need to. I’m just focusing on cultivating beauty from within. As within, so without.

I look the way I choose to. This is pleasing to my God. Some people may not like my locks but I guess what? My hair+my rules= don’t care. Some people exercise great nerve in telling people how to live their lives. Isn’t it that whatever is esteemed in the eyes of man is despised by God? I’m not doing anything wrong. Let me express myself. I chose to be free so let me be. If that’s what you want, liberate yourself. But don’t you dare try to squeeze me into a box of what your mind can conceive.

These verses made me realise that where love is, God is. I can be one with God in Love, true love for the people. No more hatred, no more anger, and much forgiveness. But also in truly loving and embracing myself-balance is key. If there is love within, God will prosper in me as a vessel. If my cup is overflowing I’ll be sure to give.

No one is perfect. I don’t read scripture every day. I pray when the feeling strikes.I try to follow the Law, and also do right by others. God would want me to Love my enemies. All we can ever do in the midst of this spiritual battle is pray for them. An act of love. Entrust them to God. Everything just works itself out. 

I don’t want anything. I don’t need anything. I am just thankful for everything I have. Even though I have nothing. But I have love; so I do have everything. I found the true friend from within-I found God.

Pray about it.

I am nothing. I am nobody. I don’t need words to describe me. How do I find my bliss?

I while back I’ve been stuck in my search for my true path. I have made the mistake of listening to every single person, when in fact people seemed to be guessing while I’m leaning this way and that way, listening to too many doctrines of what is what.

It’s maddening.

I don’t know what happened, but recently I have been experiencing a breakthrough in my mind. My ego is being put to rest, my heart is opening, my mind at peace and my body under my control.

It’s something I should have been doing but have forgotten to do.

I lit a candle, burned some incense in preparation for my mind, heart and spirit.

I covered my head and humbled my spirit. I prayed a heartfelt prayer to the Most High and Creator. I prayed about knowing the truth. I prayed about the oppression of all people, including myself. I prayed about my personal issues as well. When I was done I spent a moment waiting in meditative silence and contemplation. I felt his words in my mind. A still small voice.

The voice of Spirit come to me and comforted me:

Everything will be okay. I will let you know EVERYTHING in due time, but for now, Trust me. Inform yourself. Read everything (books, articles, keep self informed. receive the information coming at you and discern with prayer).

Just trust me, Katie. (he really emphasized this)

Everything will be alright.

Everything in its due season will unfold. You will watch it.

As the rain falls, so will you know. [When] the sun shines (here he prompts my memory of a saying I always use) Everything in darkness comes to light.

Thank you for your humility. You have done well and make me proud, my child. No one who trusts in God will ever be disappointed.

In that message I realized that The most high communicates with us within the constraints of what we can understand. Because of the spiritual principles that remain yet unknown to man (revealed to us in time when we are ready), not everything can be explained and communicated to us, because of our limited perception of the world beyond our own.

Also I am going to say that for a long time I had been holding onto an inferiority complex because of my dark skin, and I was corrected by the Spirit:

Stop thinking that because you are black that you are inferior; you are a child of Israel. Whether the seed or the branch (grafted in) [Those who have eyes to see refer to Romans 11] you are apart of it. EVERYTHING God made about our form is GOOD.

******

And from that I went from inner turmoil to complete inner peace. I felt It’s presence or peace in my heart that I haven’t felt in so so long.

What I learned in this prayer session after reading about Elijah the Prophet was that The Most High is someone who I can trust. He provides for you in the spirit, which feeds you in the physical world as well in whatever you are needing or asking for. (I swear Yeshua mentioned something like that before in one of the 4 Gospels) If you trust and ask with a pure heart and be nothing but truthful, sincere, and humble, the Most high will hear you and reach his hand out to you.

A relationship is not a one-way street. Do your part. Let go of your sins of the past; everything that is hurting you, grudges and regrets. Let The most High take the burden. The secret of Forgiveness is when we forgive (in my spiritual experience) The most high goes before you in that time and space where you are reliving that horrible experience and stands between you and it, so that it is not really happening to you anymore and you can move on. That person who looks down on you, is now looking down on the Most high. The Most High I realize can work on many levels of our existence– spiritually, Of course, which trickles down into the physical and he works in our minds and hearts. Who do you think is the author of psychology? A more complete psychology with the right approach.

You do the research, and pray about it.

If you don’t believe me, Pray about it. I don’t know everything.

Scared? Pray about it.

I hope that this brings peace to whomever this unfolds to.

May the sun kiss you, after the rain hits you.

Ashe~,

Peace Lillian