Lost

I heard a message in my dream that told me, it’s not about talent, it’s about dedication and passion and hard work.

I just got back from my Field work today. I’m competent. I truly am. And I’ve been studying to work this profession for 2 years at the University now.

But lately, I’ve been doing the same thing: starting the semester off right, and then falling off because the passion is gone. Something new has been ringing in me. This is not what I want to do. Maybe I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. OMG I’m falling off my rckers right now.

I’m changing. Maybe I’m going crazy. I’ve been moody, unstable, and I’ve been less than comfortable in this world. In my world. I want to change that.

To be real, I’m not excited because the government is cutting on education, which is making it harder on Teachers to teach; classes are getting bigger and harder to sustain and I fear that I will become frustrated with it all. On top of that they’re underpaid and disrespected–no credit given. It’s a no-win situation. Teachers work so hard. Teachers are so tired. It makes me think, why am I even here, spending close to 2 thousand dollars a per semester learning from intelligent fools speak all day long? Fuck this shit. 

Everyday I just end up staying home, watching stupid inspirational videos and stuffing my face with cheese and nachos. I feel like I’m hiding from myself by not getting quiet and praying and meditating more. I’m not listening to myself. Because if I was, I’d no longer be on this path. However, try as I might, I am awakening to who I am and what I truly want in my life and I am so screwed right now. What do I do?

To be honest I envisioned myself teaching but it seemed like I never really had plans to stop there. I was thinking of starting a movement within the education system to liberate teachers from the pressure of the letter grade and focus on actual learning.

My actual passions would be playing guitar and creative writing. I could go to school for that. I bet I would be sooo alive every single day. But Where is that going to get me? I know that the first person to say something is going to be my mom. ugh. I can already feel the years and of mom trying to change me and to “persuade” me to stay on the safe lane on the highway of life.

But why does a car have a steering wheel if we aren’t supposed to turn around? I dunno…it looks good on the dashboard?? Who does that?!

Drivers who are too afraid to make a left won’t get anywhere.

Why shouldn’t I?

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you.

Ashe and Peace.

Peace Lillian

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