I’ve declared myself celibate for a few days now. I left my boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like I’m scared that I am making a mistake. My goal is really to date myself, get to know myself and love myself. So here I am, on this journey. Now I am outside of town in the middle of nowhere. The deep, dark forest that seemed so far away is now before me.
I have forsaken everything I have ever known, owned and touched. Everyone I thought I knew is gone. I left them all to venture out and fulfill the lust of my adventurous heart. I am alone but not lonely. I am scared. But most of all, I am willing to learn.
The forest is a symbol that I use to represent my shadow self. I am leaving the town of everything I knew and now entering into unknown territory; I am discovering myself.
I learned one thing about myself just recently: the reason I don’t write as much as I could, or as much as I should is because I have been afraid that others would judge my writing to be bad. And in turn, I would deem myself a bad writer. As a teen I wrote a lot and I prided myself on the poetry and short stories that I had written and that have gotten a lot of votes from my teachers and my mom. But now I feel like I’ve lost my juice. I feel like life is trying to squeeze the juice out of me like a lemon. I put off writing a lot even though I enjoy writing. In the past my writing was the one thing I identified myself with and that kept me afloat in the deep waters of high school, where I didn’t belong anywhere. So criticism of my expression hurt me deeply. Maybe this is where this has come from. I’ve had trouble ever since.
Now at this new job, I am experiencing some difficulties. You see, I’m a diversity trainer. My job is to do diversity workshops based on historical figures of African-Canadian history. It’s a new program. We have to come up with new activities and ways of teaching the material in a fun way, and I have to put together a report for someone who may begin to animate an after-school program, based off of what is called the ABCs of Canadian black history. I’ve taught teens, elementary aged kids and preschoolers and it’s been a challenge for me especially since I’m meek in nature and I am especially prone to anxiety when faced with social situations. Now what’s worse, I am teaching. I’m In front of everybody. I’m telling them what to do. I know this is what I’m in University for. I’m in a specialised program for Early childhood and elementary education and so far so good, but being around a whole lot of people tends to make me plain nervous. I think it’s a good thing that the universe/Spirit/God(whatever you want to call it) has pushed me in this direction because it’s the estage before my estage that I’ve been avoiding for a few semesters.
Now when It came time to write my report this week, my boss looked over my work and she said that the syntactical order of the words in my sentences were formed as if I was speaking french. Now, I know we are in a French province, and it is possible that I’ve picked up some french ways of speaking and doing things, even the spelling of certain English words, (vice versa for the francophone residents here) but I wasn’t even trying to do that. I just wasn’t sure of the tone that the report should take. Should I write in first person? First person plural? I just wasn’t sure. Of course I knew she wasn’t trying to insult me, but in retrospect I can’t help but be a little hurt by it. She wrote history books. It’s a rough copy, for crying out loud. She’s so educated with her Phd and I’ve only just finished my freshman year at University, and about to go into my sophomore year. I’m not there yet. Yes, I’m a writer. But what I don’t understand is why do I have no problems writing down streams of paragraphs on blogger or on wordpress, but when it comes to work or school essays when I really need it, why can’t I write? Am I too right-brained to function?
How can I do this? it’s not fair. I know people who can vomit an essay. I used to be able to do that but now I’m…what happened to me? I feel like I’ve lost my linguistic touch. My coworker can vomit ideas while I end up feeling like I’ve got nothing up my sleeve and I’m afraid of looking like I don’t know shit. Right now I should be working, not blogging.
I’m not a bad writer. A good write puts in work. first drafts always suck. It’s about the work I put in.
A good writer is humble. Regardless of skill, she is committed to seeing the writing process through to completion. No matter how grueling or hard, she will write. And she will get better.
I am so thankful and grateful for you, traveler, who stumbled onto my page. 😉 please tune in. I’ll be back on this site for more on my new self-love series in which I will record and share what I have learned about myself.