Father

I wish that you called me.

I wish that I knew I mattered to you

Father.

The word is empty. I know not nor do I understand the word

“Father”.

Support of the first man, I needed, wanted, but never received

A Father.

And now I know that every drop in the ocean counts. Every second of every minute ticks, it counts;

And I am waiting. I am still waiting

Father.

I will smile when every piece of the puzzle comes together, and starts making sense to me

In my perception, the mind’s deception.

What is this, who are you, where are you now,

Father?

Your heart is an empty, shattered chasm, but you will let no one fill or fix it.

Why, Father?

Why are you hiding?

SHow yourself! Stop being a GODDAMN FUCKING COWARD!

Is this what you call yourself? A father?

You are a stranger. We are strangers to each other now.

You are missing out on a great opportunity. You’d be proud of me. you’d be

proud to be my

Father.

And I don’t know what to say to you now.

FOr at some point it felt true. I held onto my memories of us being silly together on the sidewalk, playing videogames, watching beasties together.

“There is more than meets the eye.” 

A quote that I know you really liked. I wonder what it meant to you. Maybe that everything you are seeing, everything you have gone through, the ones who hurt you hurt you for reasons beyond what your eyes can see, but not beyond what the heart can comprehend.

Please, do not forget me.

I know you have a little life in you yet

I know you have a lot of strength yet

I should be crying but I just can’t let it show.

…all the things we should have done but we never did…

Oh darling…make it go away…give me these moments back

give them back to me

— Kate Bush, This woman’s work —

It has been a while since we spoke. Really spoke without the barriers. I never knew what you wanted for me. All I knew is that you and mom had a hard time and therefore I was mom’s daughter, and no longer yours…

Oh well. It is what it is, right? I got here on this earth for a reason, for a purpose that I alone shall define.

And if we ever meet again…Then that is what the Universe intends to do.

So let it be.

Music: this woman’s work- Kate bush

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