No new friends

I’m so done making new friends. The ones you think you know become like strangers, while strangers become friends. Just like that, people switch. Happens so quickly.

Today my friend and I were talking about the guys she had been seeing, and our past experiences; how hard it was to find a kindred spirit who wanted nothing but to be in your presence and soak up the sun together. Talk about real shit. Things that matter. Connecting.

Today it’s so cold.

We have our phones and tablets and computers. We have everything and nothing. We can get anything we want using these tools. That’s what they are. But many of us are wasting our time. Time just goes by. And you? Ha. You’re still there.

I remember…when you broke my trust…

If I look at myself, I can say that I have a few peeps on my side who I can trust. But a lot of them are people I have tried to be friends with-meaning, I have been putting in effort and energy into the relationship-and got nothing back. Not to say that I expect a whole lot back. I mean, at least some reciprocity would be nice. It takes two to build a relationship. A plant has to be watered, soil has to be tilled and fertilized. Without that love, that shit just dies.

I don’t know what’s holding some people back. I’m very choosy about who is my friend. Because the wrong people can take you nowhere fast- I speak from experience. I take care of my friends. I’m not a bronze or silver. No, hun. I’m fucking Gold. If you want me in your life, show me you want to be in mine. I’m not asking much.

The funny thing is that once I let go, everything is up in the air. They may come back to say hi, and I…will be in my own world. Blitzing out with confidence. Blooming brightly. Trying to have a reasonable deep conversation with someone. A real one. Not those “Hey, how are you?” When really umm…nobody fucking cares anyways?!!?! WE just wanna hear that you’re “good”. Not that you’re hurting inside, or have a struggle to share, or what have you. Oh noooo. God forbid you be honest and have an open heart. That’s just too much. 

Well, let me tell you something: saying Hi and talking about shit-all is too much. Boring.

I ask myself, who are my people? My biggest fans? I need them and they need me. And I’ll try to find people who resonate with me and my vibes.

Self-Confidence

I’m overwhelmed with the work I have to do. Though I do have fun learning. It feels good to make connections with the things I was taught, and now know. I am doing well so far, but I know I must pace myself and push myself forward, as well. Sometimes I feel like giving up.

I made some friends. And some acquaintances. That’s okay. I know they will soon become friends. A stranger may become a friend.

I may be shy sometimes, but when it counts I’m always there. Especially for myself.

I am learning about myself, too, and I thank God.

I am a natural leader. Perhaps not loud. I am gentle. I am patient, but I like to listen to everybody. Because every voice counts. And I like to be friendly, so that everyone feels no ill-will. That’s just unnecessary. I feel guilty as I am trying to let some things go.

It’s okay. I will find something. I will write, write to my heart’s content.

I can breathe out… Inhale. Life: it courses through me. And when I walk away, and when my hips sway, and then I look into the mirror. Honestly, I can say I love me. And I love to see my soul looking right back at me. Smiling eyes. Shining brightly.

Fuck what they say; I like you, boo.

Beauty

Can you define beauty? Everyone believes in it. We impose it onto others, as if it’s the only thing that matters. What or who qualifies for this “beautiful” attribute? Beauty is important, but only beyond the skin that we are in. Why would one judge me and hurt me, saying I am ugly?

Who made you the great grand judge to name what you can see? Your eyes are not to be trusted. You have your own opinion; I’m just me. What’s wrong with that? I don’t want to look like everybody else. Why should I follow you? And who made you my boss?

Blond hair, blue eyes; light skin, nice tan: Is this what you call beautiful, what we all have to look like? Everyone knows that shit just ain’t possible for most of us; so why the fuck do you demand it? I don’t want to be like you. I like my dark skin; it has been my soul’s blanket for many years. My nose is not straight. Neither is my hair. But it’s mine. Heaven gave it to me. How can I not be thankful and give it good food and appreciation?

I don’t care what you say to me. I am beautiful. My beauty comes from within. I may not be beautiful to you…but I am to myself and to many others who see it. I do wonder how somebody like yourself would succumb to that horrible joke. Not even you are what they call beautiful. Especially on the inside. That’s a deeper wound.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. That one is for you.  As within so without.

Guess you got nothing, huh? Well, That’s on you.

A New Beginning…here we go.

It has been a while since I sat down to write. So much has happened since I had stopped blogging. I figure I just needed a creative outlet. I remember really enjoying it back then. Plus, I met some awesome people. Made awesome pen pals from different parts of the world.

For the new year, I want to get in touch with myself. I want to grow and bloom into who I am. I’m in a battle, fighting for my self-confidence. A lot of the time what hinders me from writing is my busy life. I also always seem to doubt myself a lot. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m going to let loose on my blog; I’m going to express who I truly am. I’m going to have fun blogging, honing my creative juices, and cultivating the skills I am passionate about learning. Here we go. Lights low. Music on. Close your eyes…express.

And to you, traveler, who stopped to read my post: Thank you. I hope you do decide to follow me. If or when you do, I hope you enjoy reading as my stream of consciousness lets loose.

Peace.