I’m so done making new friends. The ones you think you know become like strangers, while strangers become friends. Just like that, people switch. Happens so quickly.
Today my friend and I were talking about the guys she had been seeing, and our past experiences; how hard it was to find a kindred spirit who wanted nothing but to be in your presence and soak up the sun together. Talk about real shit. Things that matter. Connecting.
Today it’s so cold.
We have our phones and tablets and computers. We have everything and nothing. We can get anything we want using these tools. That’s what they are. But many of us are wasting our time. Time just goes by. And you? Ha. You’re still there.
I remember…when you broke my trust…
If I look at myself, I can say that I have a few peeps on my side who I can trust. But a lot of them are people I have tried to be friends with-meaning, I have been putting in effort and energy into the relationship-and got nothing back. Not to say that I expect a whole lot back. I mean, at least some reciprocity would be nice. It takes two to build a relationship. A plant has to be watered, soil has to be tilled and fertilized. Without that love, that shit just dies.
I don’t know what’s holding some people back. I’m very choosy about who is my friend. Because the wrong people can take you nowhere fast- I speak from experience. I take care of my friends. I’m not a bronze or silver. No, hun. I’m fucking Gold. If you want me in your life, show me you want to be in mine. I’m not asking much.
The funny thing is that once I let go, everything is up in the air. They may come back to say hi, and I…will be in my own world. Blitzing out with confidence. Blooming brightly. Trying to have a reasonable deep conversation with someone. A real one. Not those “Hey, how are you?” When really umm…nobody fucking cares anyways?!!?! WE just wanna hear that you’re “good”. Not that you’re hurting inside, or have a struggle to share, or what have you. Oh noooo. God forbid you be honest and have an open heart. That’s just too much.
Well, let me tell you something: saying Hi and talking about shit-all is too much. Boring.
I ask myself, who are my people? My biggest fans? I need them and they need me. And I’ll try to find people who resonate with me and my vibes.