Chasing

I have cried over and over about the same person. You have seen me in shamblesrepeatedly over some guy.

“…What do I do, God?” I said. “He doesn’t like/love me back.” I prayed about this over and over everyday with dedication. If I was God I would have been tired of my daughter asking me the same question over and over again: ” Is this my husband, father, can you make it so? Yes? He’s the one?!??”
But the answer has never been as clear as “NO.” I’ll ask later. He looks too good on Christian paper. That would be a shame to let go of.

The real shame would be to pine and pine after someone who doesn’t or cannot love you back. It’s a waste of time and I know it. But still I can’t help but desire and lust after it. I know I have to let go.
This guy makes a horrible god. I’m not going to be stuck here idolising and chasing a broken cistern that never held a drop of love for me.
God says, “It’s you I seek. Why don’t you come to me. I will love you more. I will love you with an everlasting love.”

The sad truth is that people being imperfect, being weak, will somehow always let you down. But God will never fail us. He is faithful. Let us not forget that.

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The new season: Letting it go

Woulda, coulda, shoulda– let’s live life now. It’ll all work out. Right?

I feel like letting go has always been something something God has been telling me to do in this new season lately. By day three of my fast I understood that my life had to be purged and cleansed of everything that didn’t belong before I head into the new season of my life starting in Africa.

This will mark the end of the old and into the new. I am being birthed into a new life. My spiritual initiation. I’m going to look forward now. I’m going to make better decisions, decisions for my well-being. I want to do great things.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

God has a plan for me. Plans for me. I’m looking forward to giving myself into things that really matter right now. I’m leaving out the rest. I’m sold out.

I’m hoping to get baptised in Uganda. What a day that will be. 🙂

The new season: Preparation

Over the past few weeks, I realised that God had called me to a period of celibacy. When I finally accepted it, I felt like the enemy had been sending me distractions left and right. I am telling you, it has not been easy. But God got a hold of me and asked me to go on a 3 day-absolute fast.

On the first day of my fast I watched a sermon about what it truly means to revel in our season of singleness, during which I know God was with me, whispering messages “in between the lines”.

God had spoken so much to me about what I needed to be doing. What I need to be focusing on, like by blog, my unfinished books, my reading, my calling in God, and on God himself.

His Spirit then whispered, Go back. At first I didn’t know what he was referring to, but then I realised/thought  He was maybe referring to me going back to school during the fall semester. Previously been contemplating if I should take a break from school or leave altogether because I lost the inspiration to be what I set out to be because I felt like I had failed.  

Like, I’m not good at it. Why do you want me to go back? You want me to make a fool of myself? Do it all over again? What if I fail again? What if I can’t do this?

Trust me.

I just began to cry. I know that this is something that God will help me deal with in time. It’s a constant struggle that I have with God. I literally wrestle with God everyday because I just like to be comfortable. But God is calling me a little bit higher today, for tomorrow and to leave the past behind. So fasting in a way, is my period of humbling and hiding.

He then led me to a scripture in 1 Samuel 17-18 about David. I felt like God had given me a blue-print or an example to look up to. Here are the qualities that I observed:

-He was a good example of righteousness, wisdom;

-He trusted in God, but he was often looked down upon and undermined because he was a shepherd boy, young and good-looking( “of fair countenance”-1 Sam. 17:42);

-He didn’t listen to flattery which saved him from traps of his enemy;

-He had a cool head and he “kept it together”;

-Holiness; courage; fierceness for the Lord;

By the end of the two chapters, I realised that even though the enemy had set traps for him to fall into, David escaped them. He behaved himself wisely (sam 18:14) and God was with him. In proverbs we learn that the spirit of wisdom keeps you. God kept him safe in his ways because ways are wisdom. Selah.

I know that you favour me, because my enemies do not triumph against me. (Psalm 41:11)

I remembered some time ago that the Spirit had told me that I resembled David in that I was after his own heart (He knew him too, so I’m inclined to believe him!), that he was small (in size) and a bit meek but was able to do big things through God.

Whatever I’m going through right now is just a training ground for God to use me and to grow towards Him in Love. He is making me like Him. Up until recently, I had always felt like I was too small to matter. I felt like I was too small to do anything great and worthwhile. Though I am small, I am fierce! fiya!

I encourage you do some reading about David. I find it really inspiring.

 

Letting Go and letting God

Before I began the new season of my life, I had spent days and days crying and mourning the loss of someone I had chosen to let go of. The pain gripped me everyday. I could not stop blaming myself for what I had done. It was one thing to be angry with others. Like you, I’ve been let down so many times. It was even harder for me to let others down, especially myself. One night in prayer I could not breathe because I had been crying. The pain was just overwhelming.

The Spirit of God spoke to my heart and said:

It’s time to be at peace with yourself and what you’ve done;

No more crying. No more hurting and no more suffering.

Here is the poem I wrote in response:

Let it out, let it go and just let God.

Let Go and let God,

Let Go and let God.

I never could understand those words…

It’s hard to say that it’s “better that way”

that “it is what it is” and

what is is will stay

Being what is meant to be meanwhile

Freeing my mind From the Anger, Hatred, and Fear

Because all of it is toxic to I and I

and You

cannot hold my hand through all of it and all the time;

The struggle is mine, I told you

I am grown and I can deal on my own

I’m tryna let it out and let it go and I just let God;

Let go and let God,

Let go and Let God,

let go–but I don’t know how to let go and forgive my wrongs

For I’ve held on for so, so long

and I need release, I need peace

I wanna be at ease

Please help me let go, let it all go.

As the wind blows…

and I watch the seasons go, the rivers flow

that I shall grow and I will come to know

that woe

is just another stepping stone.

That I am never truly alone

But with the Most High

with a God’s eye view from the throne in the sky

and from the inside.

Eternal guide. Though I trip I shall not fall nor slide.

Tears dried; broken pride; new stride and

sunny, clear blue skies.

Eyes open: see the lies and the blessings coming, going;

Letting go and letting God.

Lost

I heard a message in my dream that told me, it’s not about talent, it’s about dedication and passion and hard work.

I just got back from my Field work today. I’m competent. I truly am. And I’ve been studying to work this profession for 2 years at the University now.

But lately, I’ve been doing the same thing: starting the semester off right, and then falling off because the passion is gone. Something new has been ringing in me. This is not what I want to do. Maybe I don’t want to be a teacher anymore. OMG I’m falling off my rckers right now.

I’m changing. Maybe I’m going crazy. I’ve been moody, unstable, and I’ve been less than comfortable in this world. In my world. I want to change that.

To be real, I’m not excited because the government is cutting on education, which is making it harder on Teachers to teach; classes are getting bigger and harder to sustain and I fear that I will become frustrated with it all. On top of that they’re underpaid and disrespected–no credit given. It’s a no-win situation. Teachers work so hard. Teachers are so tired. It makes me think, why am I even here, spending close to 2 thousand dollars a per semester learning from intelligent fools speak all day long? Fuck this shit. 

Everyday I just end up staying home, watching stupid inspirational videos and stuffing my face with cheese and nachos. I feel like I’m hiding from myself by not getting quiet and praying and meditating more. I’m not listening to myself. Because if I was, I’d no longer be on this path. However, try as I might, I am awakening to who I am and what I truly want in my life and I am so screwed right now. What do I do?

To be honest I envisioned myself teaching but it seemed like I never really had plans to stop there. I was thinking of starting a movement within the education system to liberate teachers from the pressure of the letter grade and focus on actual learning.

My actual passions would be playing guitar and creative writing. I could go to school for that. I bet I would be sooo alive every single day. But Where is that going to get me? I know that the first person to say something is going to be my mom. ugh. I can already feel the years and of mom trying to change me and to “persuade” me to stay on the safe lane on the highway of life.

But why does a car have a steering wheel if we aren’t supposed to turn around? I dunno…it looks good on the dashboard?? Who does that?!

Drivers who are too afraid to make a left won’t get anywhere.

Why shouldn’t I?

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you.

Ashe and Peace.

Peace Lillian

The true friend

Long ago, I grew up in an environment that did not embrace who I truly was. I was scorned, rejected, and made fun of.

The friends I had turned out not to be true friends. And, I made unintentional mistakes that hurt people, that I wish I could apologise for.

I used to think that no one liked me. I know what it’s like to be really lonely.

A few days ago, I was reading and meditating on a passage from the bible about Yah’s love.

1 John 4:16

16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

One of the errors I make is that I live and socialize as though I am rejected. I have felt rejected and marginalized in the past, so now I reject myself before anybody gets a chance to by isolating myself, rejecting them before they reject me. I truly do belong where I choose to and it doesn’t matter what people think, say or do to me. I’m going to be my own best friend.

For the new year I made a decision that I wanted to learn to love others, take another step in loving God, and in loving who I was created to be, as well as embracing my gifts.

I put my hair in locks this year. I began to realise that I had been vain with my looks and the beauty of my thick, luscious natural hair, and how it requires so much time and so much maintenance and care; I don’t have time for that anymore. My identity was entirely wrapped up in the coils of my hair. I then began the process of liberating myself from defining myself by my hair and by the way I look. It’s a hard thing to do as a woman in a society that grades the value of a woman based on her looks, but I took the leap anyway.

Everyday requires you to leap once more. You don’t know when you’re landing, or if you will land at all.

The way I define my beauty is entirely different. I don’t see myself as “beautiful” or even “ugly”. I don’t look in the mirror as much and don’t need to. I’m just focusing on cultivating beauty from within. As within, so without.

I look the way I choose to. This is pleasing to my God. Some people may not like my locks but I guess what? My hair+my rules= don’t care. Some people exercise great nerve in telling people how to live their lives. Isn’t it that whatever is esteemed in the eyes of man is despised by God? I’m not doing anything wrong. Let me express myself. I chose to be free so let me be. If that’s what you want, liberate yourself. But don’t you dare try to squeeze me into a box of what your mind can conceive.

These verses made me realise that where love is, God is. I can be one with God in Love, true love for the people. No more hatred, no more anger, and much forgiveness. But also in truly loving and embracing myself-balance is key. If there is love within, God will prosper in me as a vessel. If my cup is overflowing I’ll be sure to give.

No one is perfect. I don’t read scripture every day. I pray when the feeling strikes.I try to follow the Law, and also do right by others. God would want me to Love my enemies. All we can ever do in the midst of this spiritual battle is pray for them. An act of love. Entrust them to God. Everything just works itself out. 

I don’t want anything. I don’t need anything. I am just thankful for everything I have. Even though I have nothing. But I have love; so I do have everything. I found the true friend from within-I found God.