Good enough (The irony of existence)

Friday early morning God touched my heart, while I was still on my bed and made me remember some verses spoken to me in psalm 139…Saying that He knew me in the womb while I was being made.

Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

Psalms 139:12‭-‬16 KJV

When I described my existence I’d believed that I was conceived in dishonour and brought in shame. I’m sure people all around did not support my mom’s pregnancy, being 16 yr old and still in High school. I probably was not wanted…my existence was, to me, a threat to her future in everyone’s eyes, a shame, a dishonour and reproach. Hence the spirit of rejection and fear assigned to me. I had grown up and walked as one who had been rejected and unloved. I had so much fear that I was nothing. I resented that I was even here because I thought that if my mom waited to have me, She would be better off financially, meaning we would not have struggled. I was angry at the world and I blamed her, for I did not ask to be here in this God-forsaken world. Little did I realise that it was the enemy sowing seeds of fear, anger, rejection and pain to destroy me from the beginning.

Here’s a revelation of the Holy Spirit: God chose me. Despite the negativity and lack of support around her, He told my mom to keep me (whether she was aware of Him speaking or not), and to name me. He said I thought it would be a good idea to have you in my kingdom. I wanted you.

If God wanted me all along then that means me being is okay. It is good that I am.

Jesus also had a very humble beginning. He was born in a manger…like where the animals lounge around and poop. Joseph did not understand. As far as he knew, Jesus was a bastard child– in the natural that is what one could see; yet in the spiritual it was no less than a miraculous virginal conception. He was told to marry her anyway. Clearly when things are happening in the spirit realm it is often mistaken for another thing. It often looks like the opposite thing. Which is why we must speak out those things that be as though they were(Romans 4:17).

In the Spirit realm the Angels were singing because the firstborn of all creation chose to come down from his most holy station in God’s care and walk with us in utmost humility and submission and obedience to the law and God’s spirit. He lived with us on earth and taught us what God our Father had taught him. He’d then become that acceptable sacrifice to die as Adam and rise in victory as Christ Emmanuel. He died for a nation who hated Him. But he prayed for them and loved them anyway.

[Notes: The irony of God works in mysterious ways in that the Son of the Most high had come down and live a lowly life. He was poor but not poor in spirit. He died as an felon/criminal but he was innocent. He was to the pharisees a heretic and an apostate of sorts but He knew the law and He understood the heartbeat of God and his will. They were one.] God is full of ironies; you’ll see that in the bible a lot. People call them contradictions…but we need God’s wisdom to understand (and He will share if we ask) the irony of His love though we never earned it, nor do we deserve it.

The irony of my existence is that because of God’s wise sacrifice, I am not a victim but a now victor. I am good enough. My calling is glorious and honourable. Though I have been small, God will use me to do great and many things. Faith as little as a mustard seed (tiny thing–the size of this–> o ) can allow you to reach greater heights, as it is our spiritual blood and currency.

The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.

The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.
Psalms 16:5‭-‬6 KJV

God is my portion. He is of my cup (always full, never lacking any thing). He maintains my lot and makes it secure, meaning He makes even what I have/ what I’ve done (even my mistakes) good enough.

What is the irony of your existence? What does this all mean to you?  Think about it. OR Leave a comment below, if you like.

 

May the sun kiss you after the rain hits you,

Ashe,

Peace Lillian.

 

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P.S. If God puts it on your heart to make a donation I would really appreciate it as I’ve been struggling financially, still looking for a job but also walking by faith and trusting in God’s provision. You can do that here.

Thanks so much.

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Lost Again

Dear Traveller,

I just felt like I had to write this. Someone is reading this. Someone will need these words. Please read this message:

“A metamorphosis is underway. I will bring the change I’ve promised, first little by little and then an outward manifestation of an inner working I have been doing in My people. That metamorphosis will spill out from the spirits of My people into the spheres they influence in the seven mountains.

“Transformed business leaders will see their companies as ministry hubs. Transformed politicians will see their cities as congregations. Transformed cities will see mass salvations. I am calling those who have struggled in past seasons to make one more push because that last push will birth something in you and through you like the world has never seen and like nothing you could even imagine.

“I have allowed you to go through struggles—through suffering—so that I could use you as a compassionate change agent in the earth. You have authority. You have influence. You have power. You have an anointing. I intend to use you to comfort those who face disaster and to strengthen the weak. I intend to use you to lift others up, even those who dragged you down.

“You have been changed and are changing from glory to glory. The glory that rested upon you during the struggle is increasing as you step into the assignment I am giving you to see transformation all around you. You carry the kingdom. Release the kingdom into atmospheres around you and watch the darkness flee as the brilliance of My love works through you by faith. Have a confidence that I have called you, I have equipped you and I am sending you—and that I am with you always.”

From https://www.charismanews.com/opinion/68812-prophecy-for-2018-metamorphosis-radical-change-is-coming

When I finished reading this article, I felt the presence of God near me, stilling me and willing me to meditate and pray.

God wanted me to see this message. He has seen that I’ve been losing hope. I’ve been discouraged. and He wanted to give me hope and encourage me. God is doing a new thing in my life. I won’t give up. I can’t give up.

Up to now I have been increasingly feeling so lost and aimless in my life. Pursuing my University degree did not go as I would have liked. I did not do well, I failed what I always thought I should be doing in the eyes of others. I have a few ideas now, but I’m not so sure.

I’ve pondered going into music and writing. These are the two things I love and keep going back to. But I do not know where they will take me. It’s the pride of knowing that holds me back–that which I thought I knew is nothing at all.

God has been directing me here and now. My finances has nearly been run into the ground, I am now about 2 months behind on my electric and credit card bills and NOW I owe an expense for a waitress/management school training for which I have a tight deadline to pay back…And I hate asking people for money. I wish they could wait until I get my next paycheck. I have begun to start focusing on my joined degree but I feel as though I do not want to stay long. Already the first week of school and I can’t stand going. I just want to give it up now and go to trade school.

But I sense that God is leading me to continue where I am until he calls me somewhere else and interrupts, or disrupts if you will.

For those of you who are feeling like you don’t know where to begin, this is for you. For those of you who feel lost I’m writing to you saying that I don’t have it all together. In fact, I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’m following God. I’m trying to stay close to God through Jesus in Prayer in meditation and In the word. And when it becomes clear, best believe I’ll be one of those saints who be marching in!

**

I had a dream last night that I was playing music to a dear friend, singing, “Your freedom is here, yeah!” and It was so beautiful (The original song is freedom is here by hillsong, but in a more heavenly rendition). I was playing guitar so beautifully. Not like I do now. I’m such a beginner. And as someone else joined me in singing, I kicked it into harmony. I think it must have been an angel singing with me. It was beautiful. My friend was moved to tears. 

I realise that I already wrote a post about feeling lost (read it here)and I said the same thing: I loved music and writing. Just expressing my soul through creative arts. Except for a closer relationship with God through Jesus, that hasn’t changed. So…why am I going around in circles? Maybe this is what I’m called to do that I am running from. To Inspire. To be inspired through my music and writing. To be the catalyst for lasting changes. To set people free. To Liberate and educate. To tell them they are free. What if I don’t need a title to do that? What if I can do it right now?

I have so many platforms. This age has given us so many tools to work with. Youtube, WordPress, Facebook, etc.

What do you have at your disposal right now that God can use to touch everyone around you? As I’m writing this the answer is coming to me. The answer is not so far at all.

May the Sun kiss you after the rain hits you,

Ashe!

Peace lillian<3

Meditation on Genesis 3

Gen 3:
When Adam and Eve sinned they realised that they were naked. Physically they were probably always naked but I think that in a spiritual sense they were stripped of their robes of righteousness (Isa 61:10) which led to spiritual nakedness…shame, guilt and fear. Adam and Eve hid themselves from God. like we often hide. Sometimes we delay coming to him because we think we’ve got to get it together right now.
In fact, God never hid from them. He was seeking them saying, “Where are you?” And I think that still reflects who God is today, always seeking us to repent and get into communion with Him no matter what we’ve done. I remember one time when I did something wrong, I could feel Him inviting me back into his arms, into his presence where I belong.

To me, “Who told you you were naked?” translates into, “Who told you something was wrong with you in the first place?”, “Who told you you’re not (blank) enough? This reminds me of when the enemy whispers lies to us about things we become insecure about. The battle is in our minds and I think he uses it to fire arrows. He wants us to be ashamed and guilty, etc and steal our joy and peace and paradise from us. He hates when we have loving relationships with God and each other, so he seeks to destroy them by telling us things that make sense, but not the right kind!

Some of my people do not hear me as they should…

Some of my people stopped believing in Me because they wanted to see the miracle but did not see what I wanted them to see.

Voiceless opinions are uttered in silence; closed doors, faithless whispers in the dark– I hear them.

People that don’t believe in Me never see their breakthroughs. Half of what I said goes unheard because they don’t listen. Quiet yourself and listen. Be still and know that I AM God. I am mighty to save. I can handle your struggle. I will bring whatever needs to pass.

They are afraid to admit their wrongs for fear that I am right. People living in denial of Me and My true [living] power.

 

Watch this video–it’s mind boggling and what he says is really amazing! :-O

Chasing

I have cried over and over about the same person. You have seen me in shamblesrepeatedly over some guy.

“…What do I do, God?” I said. “He doesn’t like/love me back.” I prayed about this over and over everyday with dedication. If I was God I would have been tired of my daughter asking me the same question over and over again: ” Is this my husband, father, can you make it so? Yes? He’s the one?!??”
But the answer has never been as clear as “NO.” I’ll ask later. He looks too good on Christian paper. That would be a shame to let go of.

The real shame would be to pine and pine after someone who doesn’t or cannot love you back. It’s a waste of time and I know it. But still I can’t help but desire and lust after it. I know I have to let go.
This guy makes a horrible god. I’m not going to be stuck here idolising and chasing a broken cistern that never held a drop of love for me.
God says, “It’s you I seek. Why don’t you come to me. I will love you more. I will love you with an everlasting love.”

The sad truth is that people being imperfect, being weak, will somehow always let you down. But God will never fail us. He is faithful. Let us not forget that.

The new season: Letting it go

Woulda, coulda, shoulda– let’s live life now. It’ll all work out. Right?

I feel like letting go has always been something something God has been telling me to do in this new season lately. By day three of my fast I understood that my life had to be purged and cleansed of everything that didn’t belong before I head into the new season of my life starting in Africa.

This will mark the end of the old and into the new. I am being birthed into a new life. My spiritual initiation. I’m going to look forward now. I’m going to make better decisions, decisions for my well-being. I want to do great things.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

12 Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

God has a plan for me. Plans for me. I’m looking forward to giving myself into things that really matter right now. I’m leaving out the rest. I’m sold out.

I’m hoping to get baptised in Uganda. What a day that will be. 🙂

The new season: Preparation

Over the past few weeks, I realised that God had called me to a period of celibacy. When I finally accepted it, I felt like the enemy had been sending me distractions left and right. I am telling you, it has not been easy. But God got a hold of me and asked me to go on a 3 day-absolute fast.

On the first day of my fast I watched a sermon about what it truly means to revel in our season of singleness, during which I know God was with me, whispering messages “in between the lines”.

God had spoken so much to me about what I needed to be doing. What I need to be focusing on, like by blog, my unfinished books, my reading, my calling in God, and on God himself.

His Spirit then whispered, Go back. At first I didn’t know what he was referring to, but then I realised/thought  He was maybe referring to me going back to school during the fall semester. Previously been contemplating if I should take a break from school or leave altogether because I lost the inspiration to be what I set out to be because I felt like I had failed.  

Like, I’m not good at it. Why do you want me to go back? You want me to make a fool of myself? Do it all over again? What if I fail again? What if I can’t do this?

Trust me.

I just began to cry. I know that this is something that God will help me deal with in time. It’s a constant struggle that I have with God. I literally wrestle with God everyday because I just like to be comfortable. But God is calling me a little bit higher today, for tomorrow and to leave the past behind. So fasting in a way, is my period of humbling and hiding.

He then led me to a scripture in 1 Samuel 17-18 about David. I felt like God had given me a blue-print or an example to look up to. Here are the qualities that I observed:

-He was a good example of righteousness, wisdom;

-He trusted in God, but he was often looked down upon and undermined because he was a shepherd boy, young and good-looking( “of fair countenance”-1 Sam. 17:42);

-He didn’t listen to flattery which saved him from traps of his enemy;

-He had a cool head and he “kept it together”;

-Holiness; courage; fierceness for the Lord;

By the end of the two chapters, I realised that even though the enemy had set traps for him to fall into, David escaped them. He behaved himself wisely (sam 18:14) and God was with him. In proverbs we learn that the spirit of wisdom keeps you. God kept him safe in his ways because ways are wisdom. Selah.

I know that you favour me, because my enemies do not triumph against me. (Psalm 41:11)

I remembered some time ago that the Spirit had told me that I resembled David in that I was after his own heart (He knew him too, so I’m inclined to believe him!), that he was small (in size) and a bit meek but was able to do big things through God.

Whatever I’m going through right now is just a training ground for God to use me and to grow towards Him in Love. He is making me like Him. Up until recently, I had always felt like I was too small to matter. I felt like I was too small to do anything great and worthwhile. Though I am small, I am fierce! fiya!

I encourage you do some reading about David. I find it really inspiring.